I have blogged many times in the past, on this blog, and my prior blog that the root of my OCD is the vile bile….That’s right…I FEAR vomiting! I have been going to therapy now for quite a while. I have always wanted to get to the root of why I fear a nasty case of the vomits. Tonight…my memory finally kicked in, and I remember the incident that made me fear the pukes more than anything else in this world.
I was in the 4th grade. I was in school this day. I remember feeling a little back pain toward the end of the school day. We were lined up, getting ready to leave school, get on the bus, and go home. There was another kid, in my class, that was chewing gum. I remember her talking to me, and every time she talked…I could smell the gum. Peppermint bubble gum. I almost puked right on the spot. I managed to make it home without such an incident. But later that evening, all hell broke loose in my little world.
My back hurt worse as the night went on. I was in my bedroom, and the feeling poured over my body (OMG! I have to get sick). I ran to the bathroom, and as I started to get sick, I choked. I remember feeling totally helpless. I kept vomiting, and each time I felt something lodged in my throat. I could not breathe, and I couldn’t leave the bathroom. Terrified, and feeling completely alone. I somehow managed to dislodge what was stuck in my wind pipe. And the rest is history.
I have not been the same since. This does not explain my OCD itself, but it does explain the mess of events that soon followed, and made me terrified of ever getting sick again.
As you can imagine, winter time is the worst for me. It is stomach flu season, and it i usually in full force by January to March. I always seem to get it about mid February. This is also the time of year that my hands become chapped, and raw from washing them almost every 30 min. Alcohol hand wash becomes my best friend. I fear the minute my hand touches a door knob, that I have 24 hours until I will get sick. Then I fear touching any part of me with that hand. As I type this, I have washed my hands 3 times. Just talking about it, makes me feel sick to my stomach!
I can be talking to someone on the phone, 1000’s of miles away. They could tell me they have the tummy flu, and I find myself feeling I have it now. I fear it like being cornered in to a lions cage with no way out.
Well this is a huge step for me. It solves nothing, but now I know when it was I started to have major issues with this. Guess I will take some time to try and figure this out further. So tired of being such a weirdo over the whole thing.