What Have I Done?

Or shall I say, what have I not done? My daughters birthday is coming up on Sunday, and to be honest, I always seem to reflect on the past around her birthday. I consider all the choices I made, and wonder why I chose to take some routes over the past 6 years that destroyed a lot of my life. I suffered a major setback in June of last year. My mental health went in to the shitter. I found myself wondering why I even bother getting out of bed (a lot of days, I didn’t).

I think about all the relationships I destroyed, and try to figure out how did I manage that? I know a lot of it is my mental health issues, but what is the rest of it? Am I really a selfish asshole? Do I not give enough respect? Do I just not care at all?

I find my relationships go like this. A ton of passion in the beginning, could never do anything wrong, then I slowly begin to completely destroy everything little by little. I have been this way my entire life. I love to be alone. And maybe that should be a huge sign to stay away from relationships.

I told myself 5 years ago that I would just stay single, and focus on raising my daughter as a co-parent with her mom. And it all was working out great. Then I got married, and my life went to hell in a hand bag. Now I have NO sense of direction. I feel like I am losing my mind like I did June of last year.

I love being single, but feel I require some companionship (no, not sex) from a woman. But again, this makes me selfish. It is like asking someone to be convenient and available when it best suits me. Now some GUYS have told me that there is nothing wrong with this thought process, but most women I spoke to told me I was being a selfish pig.

I have no idea what to do. I suck at relationships, and being married. I completely suck at adult commitments.

As I have said before. I am very open in this blog. This may make some people want to send nasty comments. Feel free to do so. I will approve most comments (unless they are overboard). This is the real me, and I have been hiding for years, and putting up a front of perfection. That all stopped in January of this year.

I am just venting to myself publicly, and am sorting things out as I go. Therapy should be interesting next week. She will be earning every dollar 🙂

Mahalo!

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4 Responses to What Have I Done?

  1. I can truly identify with destroying relationships. I did this, over and over, all through my teens and early twenties. Part of me thought it was just my age, but I could never seem to keep hold of somebody long enough, I could never stop myself acting up over stupid things.

    Now, I know I was ill, and still am (and heck, probably always will be). The main problem I had was learning how to know when it’s illness, and when it’s just me being an asshole. I’m slowly learning now, and I think I’m doing okay with my current relationship, so y’never know, things can change. Maybe I’m just too hopeful, but I like to think that someday love just works out.

    • Patrick says:

      Thanks for the comment. Being hopeful is a great thing. Without hope we really have nothing (in my opinion) You comment has given me hope, and I appreciate you sharing.

      Mahalo!

  2. Visionary says:

    I have to say, I feel less alone. I’m a professional at sabotaging my relationships, yet stay in them long after they’ve served their purpose. I tend to stick with the ones that are obsessive, controlling, and abusive, yet push the good people out of my life by being, well, obsessive, difficult, and demanding, I guess. I have to wonder if I’m always going to be like that.

    • Patrick says:

      I think a lot of it is what is comfortable. Like for me, I am more comfortable being alone. But I am learning the only way to change, is to step outside my comfort zone, and learn what the fears are. That is the only way we can learn, through experience. Thank you for your comment!

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