I had one of those odd dreams the other night. The one where I am running for President of the United States. What made the dream so crappy was all my past wrong doings were coming out in to the media. Now my dream had turned in to a real life nightmare. So when I woke up the next morning, I decided to write down all of the things I have done to destroy my character, and the list made me want to vomit.
Was I really this terrible? What the hell was I thinking? Why did I treat some people in my past so poorly, yet expected them to treat me with the utmost respect? I felt the need to bash my head in to the wall (I didn’t as I can’t deal with physical pain)
In a very strange way, I feel as if I have hit rock bottom. I know I thought I had back in June of last year, but this is a new low for me. The realization of the hurt I have caused others, makes me feel sick. This is not the person I want to be, ever again.
I will be spending the next few weeks working full time on my mental health, and getting my shit together. I am 37 years old, a father, and I have nothing to show for my life that I am proud of (other than my child). Major changes must me made before I crack (mentally). That day has come, and it starts today.
Time to make things right for my past “wrong doings”. This should be a learning experience, and a lesson for me. I am ready to take on the pain and the stress. The reality that I have not been the person I thought I was. Acceptance.